


Better Than This

by Dawniebb



Category: Renegades - Marissa Meyer
Genre: Father-Daughter Relationship, Gen, Mother-Daughter Relationship, only honey is freaking toxic but we all know that, still they both need help, trigger warning: panic attack i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:40:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22779592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dawniebb/pseuds/Dawniebb
Summary: "In another scenario, she would have been happy. Adrian Everhart, son of Hugh Everhart and Simon Westwood (Also known as Captain Chromium and The Dread Warden) had been defeated. And that would have been a good thing. Adrian was a soft spot. Him being defeated would have put Hugh and Simon in a vulnerable position. They would have been defenseless and then, in the blink of an eye, one of them (if not both) would be dead. Gone forever.And Nova should have been happy. Yet, she wasn’t, even though she, in some way, had finally succeeded."
Relationships: Nova Artino | Nightmare &; Honey Harper | Queen Bee
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there :) So, I love the Renegades fandom (a lot) and I thought that making a small fic would be a nice contribution to it, and that’s what I did. I’m not really sure if anyone will read it, but I would leave it here anyway. So, if anyone reads it, I hope you like it….and please be gentle, English is not my first language :‘3

And she could still feel Adrian’s hands around her. They were ice-cold, even though Adrian seemed to be melting. That’s what she tried to say to herself when she felt the wet spot of his tears like burning flames on her clothes.

In another scenario, she would have been happy. Adrian Everhart, son of Hugh Everhart and Simon Westwood (Also known as Captain Chromium and The Dread Warden) had been defeated. And that would have been a good thing. Adrian was a soft spot. Him being defeated would have put Hugh and Simon in a vulnerable position. They would have been defenseless and then, in the blink of an eye, one of them (if not both) would be dead. Gone forever.

And Nova should have been happy. Yet, she wasn’t, even though she, in some way, had finally succeeded.

She didn’t feel like the death of Hugh Everhart would happen anytime now, either.

Nova was numb, and she felt that the only dead man walking she had seen in the last two hours, was Adrian. And she also felt like she had killed him.

Her hands were cold and trembling while she tried to pour honey into the cup of tea she was making for herself. The jar was reluctant to open, even though she was putting all her physical strength into it. Nova’s head was somewhere else, and she didn’t know where, because her eyes where focused on the jar, but her mind was projecting images she definitely hadn’t summoned.

It was like a vivid movie, from beginning to end. Incomplete fragments of everything. The fear on Genissa’s face, who certainly had it coming, but maybe not in that way. The adrenaline running through her body while she confronted Gargoyle, and the voice inside her head telling her she was going to win this one. Danna recovering from the burns left from The Sentinel, and then being locked in a damn jar by Nova herself. Oscar. Ruby. The Sentinel himself. The Renegades. The Anarchists. Winston. Agent N. The image she saw in the mirror when she wore the Renegade’s uniform.

She held the lid of the jar so tightly her hands started to hurt, but it didn’t move.

And the pain of her hand reminded her of the sharp sensation she had felt when she saw Max lying there, bleeding to death, while she was panicking right next to him, in her Nightmare suit, trying to save what she was supposed to destroy.

Her mind went back to Adrian, because, lately, all the roads led to him. For a second, Nova felt safe, and she craved his touch. She craved the feeling of being next to him. Until the mental image of Adrian, the calm and handsome Adrian, vanished and turned into the wreckage that was left of him. The one who had come to Nova, like a child. The one who had craved her touch just like now she craved his. The one who had cried as he held her tight, ignorant of the fact that all of this; All this disaster, had been caused by her.

Ignorant of the fact that there would be a Nova McLain somewhere, but it wasn’t her. Ignorant of the fact that she was supposed to kill one of his fathers. Ignorant of the fact that, just like Nova, he had fallen in love with what he was trying to destroy.

Problematic little Nightmare, who had almost taken a child’s life trying to accomplish what she had been raised for.

Nova frowned and closed her eyes to get rid of the warm sensation announcing the presence of tears. She took a deep breath and lowered her head. Hands still on the jar. Eyes closed.

Max lying on the ground. Covered in blood. Dying.

_Bang._

Her parents, who were gone. Uncle Ace, almost gone.

 _Bang_. Ingrid’s body on the floor.

And then Evie, gone. Completely gone.

_Bang._

Evie, her little sister, again. Sparks in her eyes. Sparks Nova had also seen in Max sometimes.

Adrian as an older brother, feeling the unbearable pain she had felt at the very moment she realized Evie was gone forever.

_Bang._

Nova McLain, Nova Artino and Nightmare. Anarchists who had a mission.

Nova Artino, who had put Adrian through the suffering she had to live at a very young age.

Max.

And when another bang invaded her head, Nova’s eyes widened. She felt hot, just as if her body was on fire. Her heart started beating so hard she thought it was going to escape from her chest. _Bang_. **_Bang_**. **Bang**. **BANG**.

And suddenly, just like that, her lungs stopped working and she couldn’t breathe.

A horrible feeling of suffocation took control of her body. She stepped away from the table and punched her chest so she could take out the air and breath through her mouth. It didn’t work. Her lungs didn’t respond.

Fear was rushing through her body. Tears were streaming down her face. The beat of her heart got faster and faster every second.

And she couldn’t breathe.

Nova tripped on her own feet, and her knees touched the floor. Nova braced herself, still suffocating.

A scream found its way out of her throat. A breathless, wordless scream, asking for help.

The seconds seemed like eternities. Nova’s body was shaking and starting to desperately ask for oxygen to be supplied. Her vision became blurred. Her eyes started to hurt. The tears burned her face. The sensation of panic had taken control.

For a moment, she even felt like she was out of her body, so when she heard Honey’s voice, the woman was already holding her arms tight around her.

Nova tried to reach her, but Honey avoided her touch. She placed her hands, firmly, on Nova’s face.

“I can’t breath.” she babbled.

“Yes, you can, child! Get a grip!” Honey screamed, forcing Nova, in a both kind and aggressive way, to stare back at her, holding her cheeks tightly.

Nova nodded, sobbing.

“Get a grip, Little Nightmare! Control yourself!”

That only made it worse. Nova screamed again. Her body felt fragile.

Nightmare. That’s what it was. A nightmare. The situation was a nightmare. Nova, herself, was a nightmare.

She was Nightmare.

“COME ON, NOVA! DO IT! CALM DOWN!”

Nova squirmed, trying to force Honey to let her go, but the woman’s hands and arms got stronger.

In a rush, she let Nova go. But not even one second had passed, when she grabbed her again. It took Nova more time than it should have had to realize Honey was now hugging her, and gently brushing her hair with her fingers.

The world went dark, but Nova’s eyes remained open, placed in an empty corner.

After a minute, her lungs started working again, even if she was still terrified for some reason she couldn’t understand.

“That’s it, Little Nightmare.” Honey said, in a soft voice. “There’s nothing to worry about. We all have our moments once in a while, but I assure you you’ll be okay. Dear Little Nightmare, always remember you’re better than this.” 


	2. Good Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It started with a gunshot. Then two, then three, then four…then ten. And then all she could hear was her own thoughts. Adrian’s heartbeat went unexistent, just like his steady breaths, and she started feeling so alone she had to get out. "

Fortunately, Adrian didn’t wake up when Nova did. He was so deeply asleep that he didn’t even feel when she rolled out of bed and stumbled her way out of the room in the dark, touching the walls so she wouldn’t trip and fall.

She barely made it to the bathroom, but once she was inside with the light on, she leaned against the sink, and her body went weightless but extremely heavy at the same time. So SO heavy it made her feet hurt for not being able to carry all that weight. Her lungs started burning and aching, and Nova realized she hadn’t been breathing correctly.

Yet, when she tried, she couldn’t, so she placed her hand on her chest, as if that were going to solve anything; Her legs suddenly felt like jelly, and that was when she lost all control over them.

Nova fell on her knees to the carpet. Its texture was soft, fluffy and comfortable, but there was nothing she wished more than being able to get up, something she was not capable of at the moment.

It started with a gunshot. Then two, then three, then four…then ten. And then all she could hear was her own thoughts. Adrian’s heartbeat went unexistent, just like his steady breaths, and she started feeling so alone she had to get out.

Her head was filled with gunshots. She could feel the world spinning, levitating and then falling to its destruction; She could feel her fall to the ground while trapped in a bell; She could feel Ace’s lifeless body collapsing against her, and she could hear his suffocated groan too; She could hear the bang, and feel the bee stings, and see the bees and…

My God, the fucking bees.

The fucking bees that surrounded the body like worms.

And she could see all the bodies and the blood flowing like a river from every corner of the Arena.

So much blood.

And so many bodies.

And so many mistakes.

She could feel the lonely days at Cragmoor when she felt as if she were going crazy; She could feel the tears streaming down her face like a waterfall of boiling water; She felt as if she were outside of her body…and her body felt as if it were made of butterflies, like the one she had trapped in a Mason Jar.

Nova braced herself tightly, trying to convince herself she was only overwhelmed, and a voice, her voice, at the back of her head told her:

_“Nightmare, you’re better than this.”_

It was all in her head. She hadn’t been raised for this. She had been raised for being better. MUCH better than this.

She had to be.

But deep down, Nova knew she wasn’t just overwhelmed. She was absolutely terrified, nauseous and lost. And her heart was beating so fast she believed she was actually dying this time. And her head felt so heavy she thought it was going to fall and roll all over the floor. And she was so dizzy she thought she would’ve preferred to throw up already.

That was it.

She was going to die here. Alone, in her boyfriend’s house, in the stupidest way possible, not even knowing what was happening to her.

Her lungs demanded air she couldn’t supply, and the gunshots kept coming, so she covered her ears and nodded violently, but that only made the noise get louder and, in the first second she let go of her ears, she bawled.

It was so fast she didn’t even have time to stop it, so when her hands moved to her mouth, it was already too late.

Every blink made it worse because they allowed the awful, unwanted memories to kept coming and coming and coming. And she felt invaded and terrified as if she were living it all over again.

Nova felt a twinge in her stomach, so she leaned against her knees and hoped that her skin would suffocate the sounds coming out of her throat. Because she kept bawling and sobbing. And her sobs turned into trembling coughs because she was out of breath.

And she was so alone, and so lost, and so overwhelmed, and terrified, and so small and hurt…

And she needed Leroy or Winston or Honey, and she…

She…

She was dying.

She just wanted the process to be faster.

She wanted it to be over already.

She wanted to just stop feeling.

Stop, stop, stop.

Stars, please make it stop.

Let it be over let it be over let it be over let it be over let it be let it be over let it be over let…

“Nova?”

Her head lifted so fast it made her dizzy. Her eyes barely managed to focus and, through the vessel of tears, she met the Dread Warden’s worried stare.

Not quite the Dread Warden, though, because right now he was only Simon Westwood, still wearing his pajamas and looking sleepy, yet alert.

“Oh, darling.” He said softly as if he completely understood the situation having just arrived.

Shamelessly, Simon knelt right in front of Nova and opened his arms for her.

And she swore to herself and to whomever who wanted to listen she wouldn’t take the offer, because she was better than this. Because this was plain stupid and she just needed to control herself and get a grip. She was better than this, and she didn’t need anyone’s pity.

And yet, she fell straight at Simon’s arms.

And she let him caress her hair and back, while he pretended to be a crib and rocked her from left to right, while Nova soaked the fabric of his clothes with her tears.

For the first time in years, she cried until she could feel her body and limbs again.

And Simon, a grown adult with two sons and a husband, waited for her and didn’t loosen the hug a bit.

He waited patiently and lovingly until the gunshots fused with his heartbeats and suddenly that was the only thing Nova could hear.

Still, once the panic was gone and she was able to breathe again, she felt exhausted and heavy. And, for a minute, she just wished she could stay there in his arms all night. Warm and safe, even though safeness still felt extremely odd sometimes.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered in a broken and low voice. “I’m sorry, I…”

“Sssh. No. Don’t be.” Simon tightened his hold. “Don’t apologize for being human. We don’t do that in this family.”

Nova swallowed hard, and the room went quiet until the only thing that could be heard were both of their breaths.

The voice invaded her brain again, and as Nova felt her eyes burn again even though she had no more tears to shed, she said:

“I’m supposed to be better than this.”

And the answer Simon gave her made her heart beat again.

And, for once, she felt… calm.

“You’re doing your best and, believe me, your best is always enough.” He said.

“You’ll always be enough, Nova. And remember that you are more loved than you know.”


End file.
